"No is a complete sentence."- Anne Lamott, American author
I really want to be liked. I really want to be liked, by everyone, all the time. I really want to be liked, by everyone, all the time -- to my detriment. Recently learning about personal boundaries, I realize I'm not great at them. My deep need to be liked sometimes translates into a lack of healthy boundaries, or a lack of enforcement of them.
Whether you want to be liked, or you are a people pleaser, or you don't like confrontation, you may face the same challenges as I do.
Personal boundaries can be messy, too. Rarely is anything black and white. So when is it a boundary, or an ego trip, or compromise? It gets muddy.
Finally, there's a big elephant in the room around this discussion. As I see it, the reason why so many of us are uneasy with creating and holding our boundaries, is because we don't believe we deserve them.
Yeah, I said it. We think:
Who am I to be asking for boundaries?
It's selfish to have personal boundaries.
Other people need me more.
We need to address this underlying belief. That requires us to love and accept ourselves, to let go of our limiting beliefs, and be truly invested and comfortable with our own worth. I talk about all of these things in other blog posts.
When we truly embrace that we are worthy and deserving, it will be much easier to establish healthy personal boundaries.
So then. . .what are healthy personal boundaries?
In general, personal boundaries are what we will and won't accept when it comes to how we are treated by others. That treatment encompasses the physical (being touched), mental (being taken advantage of) and emotional (being made to feel wrong or unworthy).
Why do we need boundaries?
Boundaries are about self-love and self-respect. We are all deserving of fairness and reciprocity in our dealings with others. Even more important and urgent, we deserve to be and feel safe.
Life without healthy boundaries can be filled with stress, anxiety and burdens. We don't feel heard. We can feel used. We take on things (tasks, responsibilities, emotions) that aren't ours to carry.
What do boundaries look like?
Boundaries can take many forms. They can be limits on your time and/or availability, rules around physical contact, or standards for how we are spoken to. They can be established in personal and professional relationships. And they are essential to having healthy relationships.
How do I create healthy boundaries?
You probably already have. Think about where you have certain rules or limits in place. If those are in place for your well-being, they are boundaries. And if you've done that, you already have recognition around your own worth.
The next step is looking at where you haven't done this, and determining what a healthy boundary looks like. The point of a boundary is not about punishing or denying someone of something. It's about creating space for you to be healthy. It might look different from person to person, or the type of relationship you have.
What do I do to maintain healthy boundaries?
Communicate them. There's no point in creating a boundary if you aren't willing to communicate them to the people you are establishing them with. That will only leave you frustrated and feeling helpless. You need to be willing to be open about expressing your needs.
Yes, you likely will meet resistance. People don't like change. Especially change that's inconvenient for them. If someone's used to things a certain way that requires less from them and more from you, they may not take too kindly to your suggestion. But staying consistent with your boundary will help them realize that this is a permanent change.
Obviously, if we're talking about children or other people who need your care or supervision, you may be limited in what boundaries you can establish. Maybe you'd like your toddler to hang on you a little less. But they need healthy physical contact with you. So maybe it's a short period of time during the day when you ask for no touch, not expecting them to comply for hours at a time.
What do I say to communicate a boundary?
There are many ways to express boundaries. You can say things like:
No.
I'm not available for that.
I'm only available for X [amount of time/specific task].
I don't have the emotional capacity to support that right now.
This makes me uncomfortable. I need my space/time/body/feelings respected.
I'm not willing/ready to discuss this right now.
Please ask me first before X.
I would like some space/to take a break right now.
I'm comfortable with X, but not with X.
I prefer not to say.
My time/feelings/space are important/as important as yours.
If you're new to creating boundaries, these phrases may not resonate with you or may be difficult for you to say. That's okay. You don't need to use them exactly as written. The important thing is that you communicate your boundary clearly and consistently.
Like many things related to our personal growth, setting boundaries can be challenging and feel uncomfortable. We may not express ourselves exactly as we want. Or sometimes our boundaries are violated. But by continually and consistently enforcing them, we will establish relationships that are healthier, happier and more constructive for everyone involved.
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