Fear - Part III

"Thinking will not overcome fear but action will."- W. Clement Stone, businessman, philanthropist, author

This post concludes the three-part series focused on fear. Two posts ago, we talked about the different ways fear can show up in our lives which we might not recognize as fear. Anger, apathy, trying to control and sometimes even sadness are all ways fear can potentially appear for us.

Then last post, we dived into how this fear impacts us. No matter the manner in which fear shows up, it often prevents us from moving forward with our goals and dreams. Getting past that fear, then, means getting out of our comfort zone. And that's a really hard and scary thing to do. In fact, most people don't do it, and thus don't ever reach their goals.

Today, I want to share some tips that can help make the journey a little easier. We all want the best for ourselves and others, so dealing with our fears is a vital piece to opening ourselves up to the opportunities and changes that enable our growth and progress toward the life we truly want to live.  

Right before the pandemic, I was starting to dip my toe into the dating pool after two years of being single. Going into it should have been fun and exciting, but I was more anxious and scared, which colored the entire experience negatively. It felt like a chore, something I had to do, versus something I wanted. Not the best way to kick things off, right?

So I needed to address my fears to step into this journey more positively. What I did, and hopefully things you can do to overcome fear in any aspect of your life, include:

Acknowledge and Accept - Often when we're afraid, we don't like to admit it. We push it away, internalize it or try to subconsciously hide from it. Like many challenges, though, acknowledgement and acceptance is the first step to overcoming it.

When we push our fears deep down inside, they don't stay there forever. They resurface, and can even lead to more fearfulness. Reflect on what it is you're really afraid of, take a deep breath, and state it out loud. In my case with stepping into dating world again, my fear wasn't about meeting people or potentially having a bad date. The real fear was being rejected (a common fear in many aspects of our lives, not just dating).

Once I was able to say that to myself, it felt like relief. I was being honest with myself, and I was accepting I had this fear. Bringing it into the light enabled me to let go of some of the pressure I was putting on myself about the entire experience. 

Reframe - Once we acknowledge and accept our fear, we can take the next step by reframing it. One of the most effective questions we can ask ourselves about this fear is, How well is this serving me? What I love about that question is how it immediately gets us to reflect on what value that fear has in our lives.

If we're being honest with ourselves, the answer is usually that it doesn't serve us at all. Recognizing that is such a great step forward, because it pivots our thinking in a way that focuses on what is good for us, versus what we're scared of.

Another great question to reframe fear is, What's the worst thing that can happen? In my case with fear of rejection, for example, if I ask, "What's the worst that can happen?", it's not some huge, scary life or death thing anymore. The worst that can happen is that someone rejects me. And if that happens, I just take it for what it is and move on. I've reframed my fear to understand what a small effect it has on me, versus some immense, terrible thing that will haunt me forever. 

Get Specific - Another potent technique is to start asking yourself very specific questions about the thing we're afraid of. We often make excuses for something we want to try or accomplish. We tell ourselves something will take too long, or that there's all this other stuff we need to have in place before we embark on this new venture.

So, get specific. How much time will something we want to do actually take? Lay it out in months, weeks, or days. Put a timeline around it so it feels less massive and overwhelming. What does it really require? Do we need all the bells and whistles we think we do? Do we really need a special thingy to get something done? Usually, no. 

Or, when we think we need to have all of our ducks in a row in order to move forward with something, we can ask, Why is that a need? In my dating example, I could tell myself that I needed to look a certain way, be a certain weight, or have a certain outfit to wear. Yet when I ask myself why any of those things are a need, I realize they are just pretext for my fear. I don't need to be, do or have any of those things. 

Celebrate Small Wins - Many of us aren't great at this. I'm one of them. When we try something new or go out of our comfort zone, rather than recognize and celebrate ourselves for it, we tell ourselves things like: I should've done it sooner, I didn't do it right, it's not a big accomplishment, and on and on.

But when we take the time to really, truly congratulate ourselves and cherish our achievement, we are building a foundation for more success. In my case, by simply celebrating the fact that I was putting myself out there, I could have a much better mindset about the entire dating experience. Feeling brave and courageous just primes us to tackle our fears head on.

Go! As in the quote above, it's ultimately action that overcomes fear. Once you've reflected on the steps above, it's time to just go and do. Take one small step toward your goal, and keep taking consistent action, whatever that looks like for you.

While we may still be fearful while we are in the act of doing, we aren't allowing the fear to hold us back. That is the key. To keep moving forward despite the fear is where we change our lives.

Where my dating story ended, is that I finally went on a date. I had a lovely time, and I ended up spending time with that person for six months (which was challenging, considering a global pandemic!). I enjoyed that time, and I also learned a lot about myself in the process. In the end, taking action gave me an incredible experience I would've lost out on had I allowed my fear to call the shots.

Fear can be a very powerful force in our lives. But when we learn how to own it and keep going forward, we take back our power to live the amazing, beautiful lives we want to live.

Here's to living that life.