Reflecting on all things love and relationships today, I wanted to share some thoughts on the idea of radical self-love. Though we've all heard about self-love and it's importance to our growth and development, radical self-love takes it one step further.
Definitions of "radical" from dictionary.com include: 1. of or going to the root or origin; fundamental: a radical difference, or 2. thoroughgoing or extreme, especially as regards change from accepted or traditional forms: a radical change in the policy of a company.
I really like these definitions when it comes to the idea of self-love. Believing in self-love is one thing. Putting self-love into action can be entirely different. And this action is what makes it radical.
In earlier blog posts I talk about tools to help with self-love, like meditation, mirror work and giving yourself grace. But when we decide to embody self-love, to not just see it but to be it, we make radical choices.
Here are some of the ways I believe we can embody radical self-love:
Set Boundaries. Often in life, we get caught up in people-pleasing. We want to be liked, and loved, by others. So we allow others to make us feel uncomfortable, or small, or unworthy -- in ways small and large. Perhaps we forgive someone who doesn't do what they say they will, or let it slide when a promise is broken. Or we say yes to something that doesn't feel good to us, for fear of losing someone's love.
Yet when we embody radical self-love, we understand that how we allow others to treat us is important to our well-being. Deciding how you want to be treated, and not tolerating less than that, requires boundaries.
Those boundaries can look different for everyone. For example, someone may choose to create a boundary around not engaging with a relative who says demeaning things. Or perhaps a boundary is no longer taking on a task someone else expects of you just because you've done it before. If someone consistently breaks their word to you, you might have a boundary around how you choose to interact with that person.
The realization that you believe in your own worth enough to create a boundary is radical self-love.
Take Care of Yourself. We all hear refrains like "treat yourself" and "you deserve it." Often though, these appeals are based in unhealthy actions or habits, like binging on chocolate or zoning out on Netflix for hours. But when we're doing things not in our best interests, how is that self-love? It's not.
When we are being truly loving to ourselves, we understand that taking care of ourselves, body and mind, is fundamental. Eating healthier food, moving our bodies, enriching our minds with uplifting content -- all are ways we demonstrate self-love.
And we often resist these things, despite them being good for us. We take the easy way out, we let comfort and convenience dictate our actions. But understanding that one of the best ways to show we love ourselves is to take care of ourselves, can help us overcome this resistance.
Stay Present. I used to think that zoning out in front of the TV was self-love. I thought it was giving myself a well-deserved break. What I've come to realize is that pattern of behavior is less about love, and more about numbing myself from the fact that I wasn't treating myself lovingly. I would use this pattern to escape from pain or hurt or other emotions I didn't want to deal with.
Truly loving myself, then, means staying in my feelings and working through them. Being observant of what is happening, in the moment, and embracing all of it -- positive or negative. Staying present might look like infectious, joyful giggles with my son, and other times it might be uncontrollable sobs and heartache. Whatever it is, by acknowledging it, staying with it, and moving through the process in it's own time, I'm showing myself love.
I think the bottom line is understanding how my actions demonstrate my love for myself. And when they don't, changing them. That, to me, is radical self-love.
What are you doing, or not doing, to demonstrate that to yourself?
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