"To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly." - Henri Bergson, French philosopher, Nobel prize winner
There's a lot going on in the world today. That's true all the time, but it definitely feels momentous and challenging these days.
Despite all of this change, many of us are waiting for a sense of normalcy, to get back to life "as it was" before. And we cling to the idea that we will somehow get back to that life -- an easier and more comfortable life.
Whether we acknowledge it or not, there is no other life to get back to. Whatever once was, is now gone. We only have the present, and we must face and accept this change.
Beyond these external changes, though, there are also internal changes we may be afraid to face. Whether it's moving to a different area, changing jobs, starting a business, or ending a relationship, we struggle with the changes inside that these things require, reluctant to take action even when we believe they may be the best decisions we can make.
Even seemingly smaller things, like taking that cooking or yoga class, or starting the book we always wanted to write, are informed by our fear of change.
So how do we overcome the fear? How do we make the needed changes inside ourselves, to accept what needs to happen in the outside world? Let's explore.
It's human nature to dislike change. We like comfort, stability, assurance. We want the "knowingness" of things -- to understand what is going to happen today, tomorrow and next year.
But the idea of stability is sort of a grand illusion we've all tacitly agreed to treat as reality. In truth, none of us know what is going to happen today, tomorrow or next year. And that's terrifying. What if it were exhilarating instead?
There are many things in the outside world we can't change in our day to day lives. We can't change something like the price of gas, or when it's going to rain. We don't have a lot of say in our children growing up, or when the leaves fall.
We understand these changes, and don't resist them. Yet when it comes to change within, we struggle. We come up with justification for not looking at things that might need changing inside. Things like our motivations and desires for a new or better relationship, or strengthening our parenting skills, or improving ourselves to feel like we are making progress toward our life goals.
Ultimately, this procrastination or holding off is about fear. We are afraid of what making these changes might bring, so we don't do it, even when it's in our best interest.
So how do we push past the fear? How do we keep moving forward despite the terror we may feel? Here are three steps that may help.
1. Accept The Fear - We don't always want to acknowledge that we're scared, so we find other labels for it. I'm too busy. I have to focus on this thing over here. I don't have the time (or money, or talent, or contacts, etc. But when we acknowledge that all of this boils down to fear, we can start to explore it. Allow yourself to name your resistance as fear, and to feel it in whatever form it takes.
Change can bring up intense feelings, and we may need to cry, get angry, or be sad for a while. That's okay; accept those feelings, too. Once you've identified fear, you can see more clearly why you are not taking action.
2. Question Your Fear - When you realize fear may be the chains binding you from making changes, you can start breaking those chains by questioning your thoughts about why fear is holding you back. Some helpful questions might be: What's another way to look at it? What other choices can I make? What am I tolerating?
When we dive deeper into these questions, we realize we can reframe our thinking, make different choices, and allow for more powerful motivation.
3. Recognize Your Choices - After we accept our fears, and then move to break them down to better understand them, we're now in a place to tackle those fears so we can continue with the goal we want to pursue, whether it's for ourselves, our families, or other relationships. Just knowing we have choices can help ease our fear.
Some choices we can make include:
Let go of limiting beliefs - When we allow our subconscious to continually send us messages that we aren't good enough, aren't loveable enough, aren't outgoing enough, etc., it's nearly impossible to make any changes, because at some level we don't believe we are deserving, and any changes we make will be undone because we aren't worthy of them.
We explored limiting beliefs in a previous post, with a four-step process to help overcome them. When we release ourselves from these beliefs, we make space for ourselves to create and explore without putting so much pressure on ourselves. Being in a space where we aren't so tied to outcomes or results can actually improve our chances of getting them.
Understand you have control - You decide where to put your focus. If you allow your mind to constantly focus on your fear, you are giving up that control. Monitor where you are putting your focus, and bring it back to what you desire. Like limiting beliefs, your results are dependent on where you focus. Once you've accepted that fear is a natural part of change, and become curious to it, you release its hold.
Decide what serves you - If fear is holding you back from making changes for a life you truly want, you need to make some decisions about what is serving you, and what is doing you a disservice.
For example, if you want to reduce clutter in your home, is buying more stuff serving you? That's a decision you can make. Or you want to have a better relationship with your kids. Is letting everyone remain glued to their devices serving you? That's a decision you can make. Would you like to be in a loving relationship with a partner, but you're afraid to take steps to put yourself out there? Is closing yourself off from opportunities to meet others (virtually or IRL) serving you? That's a decision you can make.
Choose decisions that serve you, and you will shape your life and relationships in the direction you want them to go.
We all fear change. And that's not always bad. But when we know change is needed, we also need to transform our relationship with fear so we can step fully into the life we want to live.
Here's some more resources:
Overcoming the Fear of Change: Reads
How to overcome the fear of change - Psychology Today
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