"Family is supposed to be our safe haven. Very often, it's the place where we find the deepest heartache."- Iyanla Vanzant, Inspirational speaker, author, spiritual teacher
Many of us spend some portion of the winter holidays with family -- either our relatives by birth and blood, or our chosen family of friends and community.
Obligatory or not, this time can bring up a lot of emotional and mental stuff for us. Whether it's an unresolved issue, long-standing resentment, old pattern or misunderstanding, these things bubbling to the surface in company with our loved ones can bring the drama.
Like family dynamics themselves, this can be a big, complex topic. But I wanted to take a little piece of it and talk about what we as individuals can do to help ourselves through some potentially tense family time, and by extension, the people closest to us.
Some of what I love about the winter holidays: warmth, festiveness, joy and togetherness. That's how I like to see it, and hopefully my loved ones do too, since we subject ourselves to it every year.
Don't get me wrong. Sometimes there's also tears, yelling, tension and big emotions. Successfully navigating your way through family or other relationship dynamics at holiday gatherings can take a lot out of you.
Hear are a few ideas for what you can do to create a more harmonious and peaceful get together, even if it just for you.
Recognize your own patterns
Before you even step into a situation that may be triggering for you, recognize the patterns you bring to the family dynamic.
For way longer than I'd like to admit, I reverted back to a surly teen whenever I visited my mom. We subconsciously fell into a familiar pattern of negativity -- with me feeling criticized and resentful of my mother.
It wasn't until I recognized my role in this pattern that I could change it. Rather than being passive and waiting for this pattern to continually repeat itself, I chose to bring a different energy to our interaction.
Instead of seeing my mother as simply "mom", I started to view her as an individual, someone who had motivations, dreams, goals and a much richer life than just bearing and raising my siblings and me. I got curious about her life. And I began to let some of the criticism from her go, understanding that it came from a place of love and concern.
Finding the courage to let someone know when they're being hurtful is challenging. But when I spoke to my mother as a person and friend, over time our relationship changed. She apologized for some of her negative behavior, and we expressed our love for each other after many years of not verbalizing our feelings.
This was an amazing turning point for our relationship for me, but we wouldn't have gotten there without breaking the pattern we'd established. So reflect on what pattern you're running when you gather with loved ones. What do you want to change? How do you want it to be? Find ways to break the default behaviors and take a fresh approach.
It's super hard to change patterns, especially if others are heavily invested in the status quo. Expect awkwardness, resentment and sometimes straight up anger. But if you are consistent and persistent, you can change the negative pattern and build something new and beautiful.
Establish boundaries
Sometimes we feel like we have to accept how things are or how they're done within our families. But that doesn't mean we have to be doormats and accept everything thrown at us. We can create and communicate our boundaries to maintain good mental and emotional health.
Before you even accept that event invitation, think about what you want out of your interactions and how you'd like to be treated. What does respect look like? What topics of conversation would you like to stay away from? Understand how you'd like to be treated and how you want to treat others.
Know your boundaries before you go, and know how you will communicate them. You'll be less likely to simply react and be at the mercy of your heightened emotions when you know how you want to connect with others.
When someone chooses to ignore or mistakenly violates your boundary, speak up. If it keeps happening, remove yourself from the situation. You can do this calmly and peacefully, in a way that respects the other person, if you have already defined and established your boundaries prior to engaging.
Check your expectations
Sometimes we get caught up in the fantasy of what a family gathering is supposed to look like. We have a picture perfect image in our head of how we want things to go. And when they don't, we're disappointed, resentful or hurt.
But what if we left our expectations at the door? If we accept what is happening in the moment and stay present, versus constantly comparing the event to our fantasy, we may find a much more precious gift -- gratitude.
For many years, I had a specific idea of how New Year's Eve should be. I always expected it to be THE absolute best night of my life. I expected to feel like a better, more beautiful version of me.
After countless NYEs spent alone sitting on a couch watching the ball drop, I came to the painful realization that my fantasy had been detrimental to my reality. Even on the nights I spent in the company of others, I was continually disappointed because my expectation never matched up to my reality.
When I finally dropped that expectation (which required a lot of work to figure out where it came from and why I had it), I was able to experience the holiday in a new way. I started to go with the flow, appreciate the moment, and enjoy the celebration of the cusp of the new year.
Change your focus
Rather than getting stuck in your head about how things aren't going the way you want or expect in a situation, try changing your focus.
This is one of the quickest and easiest ways to put yourself more at ease. What might someone else need? If you're a guest at someone else's home, remember that and ask yourself how you'd like a guest to behave. Be gracious and put yourself in the position of being helpful.
And it's always appropriate to just take a breath or take some space if you need it. Center yourself in your body, pay attention to your physical response and soothe yourself as best you can.
As challenging as family gatherings can be, when you're able to put these things into practice, you can often change the dynamics of the situation -- from one fraught with tension and negativity to something more positive and filled with love and connection.
Here's to family, friend.
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