The last weekday before shelter in place started, I went on a first date. At the time, I had no idea how life would completely be altered by COVID-19, so I did my best to stay in the moment: enjoying my date's company, the food and the atmosphere.
The date went well overall -- we had a lot in common, an easy rapport and a nice flow to the conversation. Once in lockdown, I made an effort to reach out to see how things were going and try to stay connected, definitely a challenge after only meeting once!
As the months went by, I noticed I wasn't feeling as positive about this person as I had first been. Most often I would be taking the initiative to connect, sending texts or asking to jump on a call. I also felt most of our conversations were a bit one-sided -- I wasn't asked about me or my life, most of the time I was simply listening to the other person's experiences. When I did share things, I was usually interrupted, and on occasion, met with a yawn. Along with a few other issues, this stuff started to weigh on me.
Hearing that, you might think, "So what? Those things aren't a big deal." And you'd be right. Taken separately, they aren't a big deal. But added up, these seemingly small things had a big impact on my sense of self-worth. I realized I was allowing these little things affect how I felt about myself; I started wondering what I was doing wrong and why I wasn't "good enough".
When we examine what knowing our worth means, it involves being very honest with ourselves about what we can and cannot accept in any type of relationship, be it a romantic one, a friendship or with family.
When we truly embody our worth, we realize we are deserving of being treated respectfully and well, by ourselves and by others. And we make decisions based on that worth -- no matter how tough, heartbreaking or scary they may be.
After wrestling with this for several weeks, I understood that continuing on in this manner was denying my own self-worth. I also had to face the hard truth that these things wouldn't magically resolve themselves. Something had to change in order for me to feel I was honoring my worth.
Making changes to this situation felt challenging and sad, but deep down I knew it was the right thing to do. And moving my thoughts into action enabled me to prove to myself that I could do hard and heavy things.
To me, that is knowing my worth. I wish the same for you.